No Good Words

And now I'm here, on the day before I leave Botswana. It is almost completely unfathomable to me that I've been here 9 full weeks now, and that it's time to journey away. Spent the last week not doing our usual schedule because of the national holiday. The change in schedule was okay for the first couple days, but as Wednesday came we all really wanted to be with our kids and it just wasn't a very satisfying end to our time here.

Had a good week otherwise though, we explored the city a little more and did some last minute souvenir shopping, which was nice to get done. Went to the Botswana National Museum, which was really informative and set up well and just really neat to be able to see it. That same day we walked around the government areas, where Parliament is held and that whole area, which is a really pretty area of downtown Gaborone. (Lots of fountains!) We also visited the Gaborone Dam for a good sunset relaxation evening. It was good to have some group time up there, and a nice reflection time. Really beautiful to see the sunset from a different view. Friday , Meeka threw a birthday party for little Pepeiro at our flat, and so her and Danielle and I brought Pepeiro, Tsaone and Charity back for a day of birthday fun. First though, Danielle and I went with Pepeiro to get her hair done for her 3rd birthday (very special!) and then a stop off at the grocery store, which got us many looks walking around a busy store with three little African children in the cart. It was really good though. Spent a nice dinner out with Marinda, Leslie, Danielle and Jack last night, and then returned home to begin packing. I think I've really been really avoiding what kinds of feelings I've actually had for the past couple of weeks, and it's been easy to avoid with my team members because I think we're all kind of doing the same thing. It really hit me for real though last night, when my mom was talking to me and she was asking how I was feeling about leaving, and how I was going to cope when I got home, and all of the sudden I couldn't hold it all together anymore. Broke down a couple times to Danielle and Leslie and Marinda, but I realized that it felt better to talk about it, and also to realize that it was almost a good feeling to be able to have loved this place and these people so much that it hurts to leave. Which... is a weird thing, I know, but it's kind of the nature of my mind lately.

Got up early for church this morning, which in some ways I was dreading because I knew that it would be such a final goodbye for so many people in the community of Old Naledi. From the minute we arrived with all of our kids though, it was a perfect morning. Being in that church, dancing and singing along with the amazing worship made me feel so full and also light at the same time. It's a hard feeling to describe to be in this room with these people who have so much hope and are in some dire circumstances, but are pouring out their hearts to each other and to Him. Such a freeing, joyful time. Definitely had a few teary moments and near crying times during the service. A missionary family from the U.S. gave the message and then did a prayer over our team that was so perfect. And then came after church and the inevitable goodbyes. It was hard enough to say good bye to Champ and the other guys that lead the Tlamelo Project, because they were so kind in our entire time here and so grateful for us, no matter what we did. The guys saw us all crying and were so so sweet, and gave us so many kind words. Champ said to all of us as he was saying thank yous and goodbyes "You are leaving tomorrow? This time has flown that you have been here. Your time here has not been in vain." I really want to remember those words and that heart.

Marinda gave me her backpack from the summer to give to Bareng (she uses an old pasta bag for her books usually so this was good for her!) and I filled it with some clothes and other stuff that I didn't need to take back home. I also bought her a little Bible since she is very involved in the church and the youth devotions, and wrote her a letter with my address at the bottom and stuck it in the Bible. I had no good words to say to her, other than goodbye and that it hurt so badly to have to leave. We kept hugging and she held tight to my arm and side and hand the whole time before I had to leave, and I didn't want to let go. I, of course, was a pretty big mess throughout the whole goodbye, and as I turned away from her to leave, Leslie was watching Bareng turn away and told me that she was wiping tears from her face at the same time I was as we were walking away from each other. It just didn't seem so fair to me. I felt so amazing to have gotten to know her and for her to have gotten to know me, and want to be close to me, and yet I felt like I was deserting her and the other older girls. I hope they understand. She's 12, I know she probably does understand, but when I asked her why she was so sad, she told me "It is because you are leaving. I don't want you to leave."
As hard as today was, and as much as it hurt, it was a perfect ending to an incredible time. Danielle and I were talking and I'm not sure we would have proper closure with these relationships and the village if we weren't able to be there and be emotional visibly today.

I know it sounds cheesy, but my heart really did hurt. It hurt walking through the village for the last time, riding the combi out of there and all the way back to UB. Like I said earlier though, even though my words and my thoughts are completely jumbled right now and not quite processable yet, I have a joy inside that is coming from Him and I know it stems from the blessing of being here and being in these relationships and this place that has been nothing but perfect since we arrived. Leslie told me about half way through this summer that she had an older friend visit Africa who told her before she left that being here really does get in your heart, and a part of you stays here. I know that sounds pretty romantic and idealistic but the more I have been here, the more I feel it is true. It's something. It's everything that I've explained over the summer that has made me love it here beyond what I thought possible. It's not ever one moment in particular, but every experience added up together. I was trying to explain to myself today why I was so incredibly sad yet felt full, and it's only just being here that makes sense to me why I feel this way.

I know that the majority of this post makes no sense whatsoever, and I apologize. Maybe later I will have better words and sentences to describe, but today when it all is still fresh, this is all I can get out. I am excited for this next week in Cape Town, and excited to be home in a little over a week, but there is a little bit of a cloud hanging over both of those. It will be so strange to be in Cape Town, and also to be at home, and the adjustment to both will be a new experience. This summer has been perfect. I cannot believe I have been away for 9 weeks already... and that in those 9 weeks I've fallen so fast for a place and a people. As I wrote at the beginning of this trip, every day really was better than the last, and that's all I could have ever asked for.